Online Infidelity

Introduction

The reality today is that the computer has become an integrated part of most people’s life. We use them for work, play, shopping and when researching something like the possibility of hire a private investigator. The same is true for cheaters. They send e-mail to the “other” person, they look at websites about sexual performance, weight loss, infidelity, how not to get caught, etc. etc. In a growing number of cases, people are meeting and developing relationships on-line. They are in chat rooms having on-line conversations, posting messages to discussion bulletin boards and visiting web sites to meet people. Frequently these relationships grow from a cyber-affair into a real world relationship. These can grow into regular e-mailing and instant messaging about how they feel toward one another and what they are up to. Accordingly, the computer can be a treasure chest of information that can help a spouse or loved one who is looking to know what’s going on.

Why an internet relationship?

As private investigators we get asked this question frequently. In our experience, it seems that the internet is safer and easier to meet people in than the real world is. On line, you can be the person you want to be. Maybe better looking, richer, happier, etc., etc. and it’s safe to be that person. Mike, who was a mechanic in the Navy ten years ago in real life becomes Mike the former “Navy Seal” on-line. Michelle, whose college roommate became a model in the real world “does some modeling” when chating with her friends in cyberspace. You can type things on the internet that you would never say in the real world. In short, it gives people a place to fill a lagging self-esteem or to compensate for the short comings of their real life.

Once you “meet” someone on-line who sounds exciting, sexy and interesting, you spend time learning about them and fantasizing about how they look, how well they relate to you, etc. As the “relationship” goes on, the two get to know each other better and the real world begins to enter the conversations. Trust develops because this is the person “you relate to” and it builds up as more time goes by. It then gets to the point where they begin to be even more honest, sometimes totally honest, and a real relationship outside of cyberspace can develop.

Does it really happen?

Absolutely. Too many of our clients consult with us and state their disbelief that their loved one would be trolling for sex on the internet. The reality is that, like affairs at school, work, church, the health club or any other social environment, it usually happens quite innocently and grows. Do not underestimate this format for people meeting and growing close. It happens daily, in every town across the country.

There are also those who are not looking for a boost in their self esteem or have a relationship, rather they simply want sex with someone they don’t know. This sub-culture is comprised of men and women who use the computer to meet other people who want commitment free sex. They are attracted to the excitement. They like to type stories about fantasy and sex. They look for others who share this desire. It is important not to stereo type these folks. They are not just “stripers” or the “dirty old man” wearing a trench coat. This is your neighbor, the soccer mom, the teller at the bank, your accountant and potentially your partner. This group uses the computer the same way those looking for true love do. They visit certain sites, e-mail, chat and instant message.

The best way to get proof of an On-Line Affair or On-Line Cheating

As private investigators we see it everyday. Clients whose spouse or loved one is cheating on them and carrying on the relationship on the internet. We STRONGLY recommend that you consider handling things yourself and install one of these discreet software programs to get your own proof. They are EASY TO INSTALL AND USE. You don’t need to be a programmer or high end computer user. Installation and use is easy and can be done by anyone.

Awarded PC Magazine Editors’ Choice for best Surveillance Software (July 2002). Spector Pro is the only program available that will capture web-based email such as Yahoo mail, Hotmail, Excite mail and AOL web based email. With Spector Pro, you will be able to SEE in exact detail what your spouse, kids and employees have been doing online and offline.

Be aware that these programs work in stealth, but there are other software products available that are designed to locate spy software on a computer. It is also well known that products like these exist and some cheating spouses will be aware of the potential for you to monitor their activities.We also advise that you consult with an attorney or law enforcement in your area to verify the legality of using such spy software programs where you live. We are not attorneys and cannot attest to the circumstances under which someone can employ these programs to watch someone else’s activities.

What if you think He or She is Watching for you to watch them on-line?

If this is the case and you know a bit about computers, we have just the right tool for the job! KeyGhost is NOT software. It is a small device that you plug into the back of your PC which does all the work software based keyloggers do but cannot be found by spyware detection programs. Record and retrieve everything typed, including emails, chatroom activity, instant messages, website addresses, search engine searches and more. No software installation is necessary to record or retrieve keystrokes!

Advantages of KeyGhost Keylogger:

• Easy to install in a few seconds! Simply plug it in. Installation pictures.
• It records every keystroke, even those typed in the critical period between computer switch on and the operating system being loaded.
• KeyGhost even captures and displays key combinations such as Ctrl+C, Alt+F and Ctrl+Alt+Delete, making it easy to understand exactly what was typed.
• Keylogger works with any PC operating system, and stores a continuous log even across multiple operating systems on one computer.
• No software installation is necessary to record or retrieve keystrokes. How?
• It has a capacity of up to 2,000,000 keystrokes stored with STRONG 128-bit encryption. (This is approximately 300,000 words, or 1 years worth of typing).
• Keylogger features looping memory so you will never miss the most recent keystrokes.
• Impossible to detect and/or disable by using software.
• It is a very user-friendly keylogger, you do not need to kow how to program to use it. Simply plug the device into the keyboard cable.
• The log in the KeyGhost cannot be tampered with. It is an authentic record of what was typed, and therefore, it may be used as strong evidence in a court of law.
• KeyGhost Hardware Keyloggers have been extensively tested for over 5 years on almost every brand of PC, and have received many positive independent reviews. You can be sure our Keyloggers work as advertised.

Is the cheater watching you?

If that won’t get the job done, there are a seemingly endless number of software programs that can help you to monitor a computer and get the proof you need. Our private investigative agency has experience with many and we have presented those that we think can get the job done correctly and reliably below. Be sure to review them in detail and get an understanding of how they work. We are confident that all of them can be run by anyone. You don’t need to be a PI or a computer programmer to use them.

With spyware being as sophisticated as it is, this type of monitoring device is very difficult to locate without extensive knowledge of computers and their operating systems. Fortunately, there are several equally as sophisticated programs available to help detect spyware someone is using to watch you, all at very affordable prices. These programs can be installed by anyone and do not require paying an expert to come to your home or know your private affairs. If you suspect that this could be happening to you, we encourage you to visit these software providers who we feel offer excellent products to assist you:

Do it yourself On-Line Cheating Advice

E-Mail Tracing
If you know that your loved one is receiving e-mail from a certain person but you don’t know their identity, help is available. As trained licensed private investigators, we have the ability to trace most e-mail accounts or e-mails back to the sender. Not all e-mails can be traced and several types of “anonomous” e-mail accounts exist, but the majority of e-mail accounts, including AOL accounts can be traced back to the sender.

At A.S.G., we charge $425.00 flat rate for our basic e-mail trace. This includes the name and address of the owner of the e-mail account that sent the message. If we cannot get you the owner, we charge $ 100.00 and return the remaining $ 325.00 immediately. Note: if you need this done for litigation purposes, the cost will vary inasmuch as additional procedures will need to be employed to hold up in court.

Is Viewing Internet Pornography Like Cheating?
According to Nielsen Net ratings, 17.5 million users visited Internet pornography sites from their homes in one month. It’s a growing trend that has many people worrying about their relationships. So is it normal, or is it cheating? Here’s what Dr. Phil McGraw has to say:

If you’re looking at Internet pornography, you need to determine if you have a problem. Ask yourself these two questions:

Would you do it with your partner standing right there?

Are you turning outside your relationship to meet a need that should be met within the relationship?

Your answers to those questions should give you an idea of whether you have a problem. You should also consider how your behavior affects the people around you. You might say that looking at pornography online is harmless, but it could have a negative emotional effect on the people you love.

Conversely, you may be hurt because your mate is looking at pornography online. You have good reason to be upset! That sort of behavior is disrespectful to the relationship that the two of you created. Talk to your partner. Explain that the pornography has to go—no ifs, ands or buts. Don’t accept excuses like “Everybody looks at porn” or “It’s just the Internet.” That attitude speaks volumes about the health of your relationship. Your partner has to choose what’s more important: pornography or the relationship?

From the show “Dr. Phil” on Adultery:
We enjoyed the following article about on-line cheating and how you can catch your spouse.

Net Ensnares Cheaters in Tangled Web

Sunday, December 14, 2003
By David Koeppel

NEW YORK — Adultery was once kept a secret. Not online.

The Internet dating (search) craze is blazing a trail of broken marriages, thanks to dozens of sites inviting participants to identify themselves as “not so happily married,” “married but that shouldn’t matter” or even the seemingly archaic, “married but we swing.”

Studies show some 30 percent of online dating visitors are married — and recent research by the University of Florida (search) reports that what starts out as flirting and cybersex quickly escalates into the real thing.

The Internet became an easy escape for “Barbara,” a 43-year-old married New Yorker who dated about 60 men in three years until she met Steve, who’s also married — but now sneaking around with Barbara.

“We see each other once or twice a week,” she says. “We have a lot in common, have a great time together and the sex is phenomenal.”

She says a cold husband sent her surfing for more. “There was no warmth or any physical affection,” she says glumly.

She tried cajoling her husband into seeing a marriage counselor, but after only one visit, he refused to return. She didn’t want a divorce because of their 7-year-old daughter, so she posted an ad online.

“I’m not interested in jeopardizing my marriage or anyone else’s,” she said. “I just wanted to find someone special I could click with.”

Other women interviewed say they’ve been searching for deeper emotional relationships than their husbands are able to give — but aren’t ready to leave.

“I guess the sex just isn’t what it used to be when we first met,” says Nicole, 28, a married New Yorker who’s listed her profile online. “I miss the feeling of sex being new and exciting. It’s addicting.”

Addiction is something that Chris Samuels, the co-director of a sexual addiction treatment center, understands all too well. She has treated many married and unmarried patients who’ve gotten caught up in Internet lust.

“Its power is almost trance-inducing,” she says. “You can troll these sites and have a fantasy ready and waiting. Cybersex can provide a quick and powerful high. It’s like crack cocaine to sex addicts.”

Alfred, 49, is a self-described Internet Lothario who says he’s been “swinging” for 23 years.

Before going online, he would post ads in “swinger magazines,” sometimes waiting two to four months to set up a first meeting.

Now his desires can be gratified almost instantly by posting ads on the Internet.

“While I’m open to a relationship, I’d prefer someone I can meet for no-strings mutual sexual pleasure on a continuing basis,” he says.

Alfred’s new online ads generally attract several interested women (“I’m a seller in a buyer’s market,” he says proudly).

He usually hooks up with married women, but says there are plenty of singles who don’t mind that he’s already spoken for.

Unfortunately, while these spouses are sowing their wild oats, there’s likely to be someone at home who’s getting hurt.

John LaSage, 43, from California, could attest to that — his wife left him and his two teenage daughters to take off with an Internet boyfriend.

The experience led him to create chatcheaters.com — a Web site designed to help dissuade potential cheaters and to comfort those who’ve been hurt by them.

“Chatting is OK, cheating is not,” says LaSage.

“People should realize how quickly relationships can form online. Flirting can lead to real-world affairs.”

If you suspect your spouse of having an online affair, “Bring the issue out into the open,” he says.

“Look out for the warning signs” — like excessive Internet use, new email accounts, turning off the computer when you walk in the room.

Pepper Schwartz, a professor of sociology at the University of Washington and the relationships expert for online dating site Perfectmatch.com, says married men are much more likely to say they’re just looking for sex than married women, but ultimately the search is about loneliness.

“… It’s about gratification,” she said. “They want someone to find them attractive, someone to want them passionately.”

But not every married person who’s gone the online route has found the affair of their dreams.

Wayne, a 49-year-old man from New Jersey, complains that his inbox is usually cluttered with undesirable partners and a fair share of transsexuals and cross-dressers.

But that may be just the ticket for 34-year-old “Rockerdude” of New York City, who advertises online that he’s hoping to make sweet music with men, women — and anything in between.

“Yes, I am married, but we have a very liberal, open-minded relationship,” he writes.

With additional reporting by Michael Shashoua